(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
GK: Summer. It's glorious. For a couple of weeks. And then the mosquitoes hatch. (MOSQUITO BUZZ). And you're sitting peacefully reading a book and suddenly they're all around you (MOSQUITO DIVE BOMBERS) --- mosquitoes coming in at two o'clock, nine o'clock, six o'clock (TR AAHHH) And that's on your screened porch.
SS: Honey, would you go out to the car and bring the groceries in?
TR: Now? There's mosquitoes out there.
SS: Here --- I'll spray your legs. (AEROSOL)
TR: OK. Here I go. Get ready to shut the door behind me. One, two--- three! (DOOR OPEN, SLAM. FAST FOOTSTEPS AWAY, THEN TR CRIES, SWATTING) (OFF) Help!! Help!! They're everywhere!
SS: Can you make it?? Honey??
TR (OFF): I'm going to try---- (STAGGERING FOOTSTEPS) --- Almost there---
SS: Your arm is gone!
TR: They're eating me alive.
SS: You're almost here ---- don't stop ---- O my gosh ---- you're
losing blood. (DOOR OPEN, TR GROANING, STAGGERING) Hold onto me---- easy
---- easy (DOOR SLAM). Lie down and rest, honey. I'll call 9-1-1.
TR: (WEAKLY) Hold my hand. Why do I feel so...cold? (DRIFTING) It's Miss Viola, my kindergarten teacher...and she has a bag of mini-doughnuts from the state fair. Grandma, what are you doing here?
SS: Stay with me, honey! (SLAPPING HIS FACE)
TR: I'm gonna take a nap now.
GK: Mosquitoes. They just keep getting worse, year after year. You can try mosquito repellent, in the tube (SQUIRT) or spray (HISS) but that only kills the weaker ones, leaving the strong to create a super race. You can purchase expensive bug-zappers that kill about half the bugs in your backyard (ZAPPING) and seriously irritate the others (ANGRY BUZZING), or you can light special scented candles (TR CHOKING COUGH) whose aromatic gases render you helpless to mosquito attack (SFX). You can have a crop-duster come over (SMALL PLANE APPROACHING, LOW) and spray your place with chemicals (PLANE PASSES) that will make your voice higher (TR MIDGET VOICE: Beautiful night out tonight.), you can pour gasoline around (POURING) all over your patio and light it (BIG POOF).
And then there's duct tape.
Yes, when you wrap duct-tape around yourself sticky-side out, you have protection against bugs that never stops. Mosquitoes (SFX) but also hornets (HORNET BUZZ) and deer flies (FLY BUZZ) and wasps (TR: "Boopsy, did I leave my blue blazer at the club?").
Insects are a natural part of our eco system, but that doesn't give them the right to walk on your face. If you have a bug problem, try duct tape. Some bugs stick to it and they serve as a warning to the others.
A message from the American Duct Tape Council. Duct tape, it's almost all you need sometimes. (DUCKS)
(MUSIC UP, RESOLVE)
© Garrison Keillor 2002