(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith; AL: Al Franken)
GK: ......coming up later on many of these stations. (ORGAN STING)
TR: THE REVENGE OF THE CHICKEN. (OMINOUS CLUCK, STING)
TR (BITTER): I did everything I could to bring the message of vegetarianism to people but they rejected it. I campaigned for animal rights and people laughed in my face. So now I've succeeded in breeding a chicken a hundred feet tall ---- (STING) An attack chicken that'll strike terror into the hearts of carnivores. And tonight I'm setting it loose --- in Minneapolis. (BITTER LAUGHTER)(STING)
GK: Along the scenic Mississippi River, near Nicollet Island, people of many walks of life stroll and enjoy the scenery (BARGE HORN)......unaware that a gigantic chicken is hiding in the trees.
AF: I really appreciate that you're so supportive of my plan to leave my job in dry goods so that I can fulfill my dream of becoming an actor, Doreen. (DISTANT CLUCK) Just think. In a month or two, we'll have sold our home and we'll be on our way to New York. (DISTANT CLUCK) New York! We'll live in a fourth-floor walkup in the East Village and you'll get a job waitressing and I'll attend workshops at the Actors Studio and learn how to create a role by drawing on the painful memories of my childhood and of taking swimming lessons at the YMCA. (STING)
SS: Sam---- there seems to be a gigantic chicken peering at us from behind the powerhouse at the St. Anthony Falls dam. (GIANT CLUCKS)
AF: You've been to too many magic shows, honey. A chicken? This is Minneapolis. (BIG CLUCK) Oh my gosh---- you're right.
SS: Run! The University is nearby. We'll hide in a classroom or something! (STING)
GK: The lives of different people intersect when a giant chicken is set loose in Minneapolis ----
GK: Starring Calvin Caruthers as Larry ----
TR (BITTER): People laugh at the idea of animal rights. So now it's pay-up time. (STING)
GK: And Dennis Bennett Dennis as Morris Moncrief----
TR (MR. BIG PANTS): This is the attraction that could put our Paul Bunyan Theme Park over the top, Miss DeVore. I can see it now: "Come Cavort On the Mill Race ----- Ride Babe the Blue Ox--- And See The World's Largest Chicken." Hire a helicopter. And get me a park ranger who can shoot hypodermic needles.
GK: And Sasha Sanchez as Meghan----
SS: (POETICALLY) I sit under the elm tree --- and look down upon the Mississippi ---- and think of time's inevitable passage ---- unmerciful time. Good grief! It's not an elm tree---it's a giant chicken leg. (CLUCK, STING)
GK: And Frank W. Allen as Sam.
AF: I'll be the first actor to play Willy Loman who's had actual sales experience in women's ready-to-wear. "Attention must be paid. I mustn't be allowed to fall into my grave like an old dog. Attention must finally be paid." (CLUCK) What do you think?
SS: It's wonderful, Sam, but-----
AF: Let me try that again. "ATTENTION must be paid." No. "Attention must be PAID." "Attention MUST be paid." "Attention must BE paid." "Pay attention!" (STING)
GK: People in pursuit of their dreams find their lives inextricably intertwined one night in Minneapolis. (CHICKEN IN BACKGROUND)
TR: I'm on the scene now, sir. (RADIO TALKBACK, STATIC) The chicken has stopped and ---- I think she's going to lay an egg. It looks like it's on the way. (EGG LAYING PROCESS, SQUEEZE, CLUCK, BONK OF EGG HITTING PAVEMENT, WOBBLES, STARTS TO ROLL) The giant egg! It's coming this way! Run! It's a giant egg! (RUNNING FEET)
AF: "Attention must be paid!"
SS: Sam! Look out!
(EGG CRASH, AND BREAK, AND YOLK OOZES OUT AND CONTINUES OOZING UNDER.....)
AF: I'm not even in theater yet and already --- I've laid an egg.
GK: "The Revenge of the Chicken" coming up later tonight on
many of these stations.
© Garrison Keillor 2002