(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, TK:Tom Keith; RD: Rich Dworsky)

GK: ... this portion of our program brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf, with your host, Maurice the maitre'd. Bon soir, Maurice.

TK: You want me to park your car?

GK: Never mind. Maurice, what's this I hear about a Drive-Through Window at the Cafe Boeuf?

TK: It is not a drive-through window. (FRENCH DISGUST)

GK: But I saw cars pulling up and stopping and a window opened-

TK: It is the Aperture le Automotive.

GK: I see------

TK: Not a Drive Up Window.

GK: But there is a window and cars drive up.

TK: It is the Aperture.

GK: And cars drive up to it-----

TK: Oui, monsieur.

GK: And the window opens.

TK: The aperture is opened, oui.

GK: And food is passed out of the aperture. Food in white Styrofoam cartons, in bags.

TK: Not Styrofoam. It's called Containment Capsules de Plastique Blanc.

GK: And what are those?

TK: Those are white containers made of a synthetic material.

GK: And you put food in them.

TK: Oui, monsieur. BUT------ it is food that we choose for you. You do not choose. We choose.

GK: So it's fast food not of your own choice.

TK: Not fast food. Cuisine de Express.

GK: So you have pre-made dishes sitting around in the kitchen.

TK: Pre-made?

GK: Yes, the food is made before the customer drives up to the Aperture.

TK: We always have food in a kitchen, monsieur. Food is what we do in a kitchen. Of course we have food.

GK: Pre-made food. Fast food.

TK: With a French restaurant, nothing is fast. Not even Cuisine de Express. It takes time ---- to shrug, to make faces, to mutter under our breath, to roll our eyes, to insult your car ------

GK: But the food is pre-made.

TK: It is food that we have made for our own amusement, yes. Our chef, purely for fun, will make up a few dozen Crepes d'Legume Puree et Fromage-----

GK: Crepes d'Legume Puree et Fromage----- you're talking about a Bean and Cheese Burrito.

TK: Not a burrito. A crepe.

GK: A crepe you hold in your hand.

TK: Oui, monsieur.

GK: Made with a wrap.

TK: Made with a crepe.

GK: A cold crepe.

TK: Oui, monsieur.

GK: And can you get beef with this burrito, too?

TK: The Crepe d'Boeuf. Yes, of course. With legume puree and fromage.

GK: What kind of fromage?

TK: Monterey Jacques.

GK: I'm astonished, Maurice. I'm speechless.

TK: We're in a recession. One must adapt. So ---- we offer the Entree de Joie. The Meal of Happiness.

GK: The Meal of Happiness.

TK: Oui, monsieur. Customers in Peugeots get a free order of fries.

GK: A message from the Cafe Boeuf. Try the new Aperture de Automotive. (MUSIC)

© Garrison Keillor 2002