(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, FN: Fred Newman; RD: Rich Dworsky)
(VERY LIGHT COCKTAIL PIANO)
SS: (QUIET, ELEGANT, DELICATE) Have you ever been on stage in front of an appreciative audience and suddenly it dawned on you that the cause of their amusement was the fact that your fly was down? If so, why not try the Barn Door Alarm from I C London, I C France. No more embarrassing moments, no more escaping livestock ---- if there's a problem, the Barn Door Alarm sounds a warning signal (PENALTY BUZZER). And you simply turn away from the audience ----
FN: I just wanna thank this wonderful bunch of guys in the band. Aren't they great? Aren't they great? I want to introduce my drummer----- (ZIP UP)
SS: And you zip yourself up. On the other hand, when you're dying onstage and you need a little something extra (DOWN ZIP) press the Barn Door Opener and suddenly you're in show business again. (CROWD AWE) It's the Business that No Business Is Like, and sometimes people are drawn to your art, your message, your persona, and other times they're just curious what kind of underwear you have on.
FN: White boxers with little raspberries.
SS: Now every night can be a grand opening, with I C London, I C France ... .(PIANO BUTTON)
© Garrison Keillor 2002