(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, FN: Fred Newman; RD: Rich Dworsky)


FN: (TEEN) Dude, you won't believe what they make me do around here. Like, the yard, the lawn. Like I care about landscaping. Totally out of control. Totally. I mean, there's a real self-esteem problem happening here.

GK: When it feels like you have too much responsibility, and all the thanks you're getting is an allowance, a roof over your head, new clothes, food, health and dental care, your own phone and Internet lines and thousands of dollars in a college fund .... . maybe it's time you call in a personal trainer from LCA - the Lundberg Counseling Agency.

SS: (TOUGH) Now hear this, Mr. Smart Pants, and listen up good because I'll only say it once. If you don't change your tune, I'll send you to spend a few months at a dairy farm and find out the meaning of the word "work". You ever shovel cowpoop? You got any idea how much a hundred Holsteins can produce in a day? It makes lawn-mowing look like a day in the park. So wake up and smell the coffee, and I don't mean maybe.

GK: The Lundberg Counseling Agency provides personal trainers who help you see your life in a new context. Other counselors tend to be equivocal on the subject of perspective----

TR (CAPOTE): Well, those are your feelings and first of all we have to accept the validity of your feelings and go from there----

GK: At Lundberg, you get it straight from the shoulder----

SS: My way or the highway, buster. You can worry about self-esteem issues after you have a full-time job. Right now, just shape up.

FN: (TEEN) I got this new personal trainer. And she's awesome. Like totally. Really puts the picture into focus for me. I mean, dude. Now if she could only, like, teach me how to talk. You know? I mean, really.

GK: The Lundberg Counseling Agency... in the Yellow Pages, under "Discipline.

© Garrison Keillor 2002