(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)
GK: How can you tell if you suffer from--..(COUGH)--.(TR REVERB: Bad Breath)------ when you talk to people, do they seem to back away?
SS: Let's talk about that later, Jeff.
TR: Thanks for the head's up---- see you!
TK: (REVERB) What's wrong? Why do people duck their heads when I talk to them? WHY DO THEY TURN AWAY? Is it because-----
TR: Yes, Jeff. It is. You suffer from bad breath. Your breath smells like you've been eating road kill on a hot afternoon.
TK: Road kill breath???? But what's wrong, Doctor? I brush my teeth every day. I gargle. I floss.
TR: The problem isn't what's on your teeth, it's the grunge on your tongue. Listen as I rub this sensitive microphone over your tongue, Jeff. (SLITHERY SLIME) You see?
TK: But what can I do about tongue grunge?
TR: You need to scrape it off every night with a Thompson Tongue Sponge.
SS: This is Dr. Tanya Thompson. The Patented Tanya Thompson Tongue Sponge is a two-prong side-sprung sponge with scupper brush and shunt whose function is to expunge crumbs, grunge, scum, crusts and fungus from tongue and gums.
TK: I see? But my tongue is covered with little bumps.
SS: My Tanya Thompson combination Tongue Sponge is made of bunches of tiny spun-pumice plungers that when you press firmly with thumbs plunges deep into tongue bumps to remove crumbs, crusts, grunge, scum, and fungus from tongue and gums.
TK: And will the Tongue Sponge also clean teeth?
SS: No, it won't.
TK: Will that spun-pumice hurt when I run it over my tongue?
SS: With the Tanya Thompson Tongue Sponge, the tiny spun-pumice plungers are soaked with strong astringents that numb the tongue and gums as crumbs, crusts, grunge, scum, and fungus are expunged.
TK: And will I be able to speak clearly after numbing my tongue?
SS: No, your speech will be slurred and your depth perception will be off for fifteen to twenty minutes. So don't sponge your tongue before eating, or you might stick your fork up your nose. But your breath will be springtime fresh, as if you'd just eaten several pounds of grass clippings.
TK: Sounds like a Thompson Tongue Sponge is the one for me.
TR: Yes, Tanya Thompson makes the No. 1 Tongue Sponge in the Country, the two-prong side-sprung sponge with scupper brush and shunt and tiny spun-pumice plungers to expunge crumbs, crusts, grunge, scum, and fungus from tongue and gums. Not available in Youngstown or Muncie.
(c) 2001 by Garrison Keillor