(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)


If you're planning your wedding for this spring, probably you're right at the point now where you're ready to shoot your mother. (SS NY MOM: What do you have against powder blue tuxedos? They're very attractive.) Or strangle her with a coat hanger. (SS NY MOM: What's wrong with hiring Vinnie's band? He's your cousin. What? he's not good enough for you?) Everytime you look at the date on the calendar, you burst into tears. (SS NY MOM: He played at Jeannie's wedding.) Your boyfriend won't stand up for you, he just shrugs, he doesn't care. (SS MOM: I'd hate to have to tell our old neighbors that they're not welcome at your wedding.) So you have to fight all the fights yourself and you're worn down. (SS MOM: And the Parnells. They were my closest friends in high school. They're always asking about you. Everytime I talk to them. They're always saying, How's Julie?) This is going to be the worst day of your entire life. (SS MOM: You're not going to have your own sister as your maid of honor?) It'll take you months to recover from this wedding. (SS MOM: I hope you're going to lose a little weight by then.) Months of therapy, of support groups. (SS MOM: But it's up to you, honey. It's your wedding. Anything you want. SIGH) You know what you want? (SS WEEPING BRIDE: What???) Get married on the Staten Island Ferry. (SS BRIDE: Whaaaattt?) The Staten Island Ferry. (LOW DEEP FERRY SAX HORN) It leaves Battery Park every twenty minutes so you can get married whenever you like. (BELLS, SHOUTS OF DECKHANDS, ENGINES THUMPING) The voyage lasts about twenty minutes so the service will be short. (TR NYER: Jerry, whaddaya say? yes or no? You want her or what? TK: Yeah. Okay. TR NYER: Julie, look at me? you want this clown? SS: I want him. TR NYER: Okay. You got him.) There's a refreshment stand right there, happy to cater to your guests needs. (TR COUNTERMAN SHOUTING: How many hot dogs you say? Fifty- four? How many with mustard? How many with ketchup?) And it's romantic. The New York skyline. Brooklyn. Governor's Island. The Statue of Liberty. (TR COUNTERMAN: You want sauerkraut with that? How about something to drink? You want soda?) And straight ahead, silhouetted against the Atlantic, is exotic Staten Island (LATIN RHYTHM), Staten Island the honeymoon destination of more Americans than ever before. So if your spring wedding is getting just too complicated (SS NY MOM: If you don't want my friends there, then maybe you don't want me there.), why not have a simple wedding? (LOW DEEP FERRY SAX HORN) On the Staten Island Ferry. (BAND BUTTON: FIRST EIGHT BARS OF HERE COMES THE BRIDE, OR SOME SUCH)

(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor