(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
...right after this message. (ACADEMIC MUSIC UNDER....)

TR: Do you find it frustrating to write business letters and memos that say all that you want to say? Maybe it's time you considered a business writing course at the James Joyce Business School. James Joyce was one of the greatest writers of the Twentieth Century. Now you can use his principles to improve your own business writing.

SS: For example, the job application letter.

TR: Dear Sir or Madam or Sodom or Whom It May Confirm:

I understand you are hiring programmers and hereby present my amplification for annoyment by your firm. As you see, I see, juicy lucy goosy poosy, I have long expedience in grammar and was medicated in the best schools and my dram is to ride underwear. On my clothes is my consomme. Please feel free.

I remain your humble serpent.

SS: There's an application letter that's sure to be noticed! And then there's the staff memo. The James Joyce method gives you a memo that gets your employees' attention everytime.

TR: TO: All Staff, Falstaff, Full Stuff, Fellow Stiff FR: Vice-president Buttrick RE: Office conditions

And so it was Wednesday I was in search of the report the report the short report on the client O'Brien and I am walking walking looking in the cubicles where ladies file their cuticles and the desks with potted plants and clippings and cartoons and by gosh yes hold on here is that report no it isn't it's an old smelly rotten cloth used to mop up spilled coke and and who is this romeo Molly has got his photo taped to her keyboard and what does she need eyeliner for it's an office it isn't a nightclub and if it is then I need a drink

SS: The stream of consciousness style is so good for memos.

TR: And for letters to clients, too. Clients need something more than the formal letter; they need to feel that your company really cares about them.

SS: Dear Sir:

You wrote and asked is the large size still in stock and yes I said yes it is yes and the moon set over the torrents of clouds and the sea and the sky were blue and you asked could you have it by tomorrow and yes I said yes you can yes and the sky and the sea and the sun rising in tumult and you said could I have forty-four of them and in black and yes I said yes and your eyes and my eyes and the birds flying round the end of the pier and you said could I have ten percent discount and yes I said yes take it take it yes ten percent yes I said yes yes.

GK: The James Joyce Business School, here in Dublin, call for the brochure. Do they take credit cards? Yes they do yes they do yes.

(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor