(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, VS: Vern Sutton)


GK: In the spring, we'd all like our minds to focus on higher and nobler things.

VS (HIGH CHURCH VICAR, SANCTUARY REVERB): Surely ... in the time of the greening of the year ... we feel called to a life of stewardship of the natural environment ...

GK: And instead our minds descend to their natural level ...


TR (ENGLISH): Why you saucy wench ...

VS (ENGLISH): Bring us another leg of mutton! Hear, hear!

TR (ENGLISH): And a hogshead of the nut-brown ale (BELCH) ...



GK: Lust and gluttony and sloth (SNORING). And so we slide down that slippery slope that we know so well ...

TR (ENGLISH): Come here, wench, and give us a kiss!

VS (ENGLISH): Aye! Let's be merry! 'Fie upon this quiet life!

TR (ENG): A plague on temperance, I say!

VS (ENG): A plague on moderation!

TR (ENGLISH): (BELCH) ... Give me a cup of sack, woman. And more beef!


SS (ENGLISH): Why you filthy knave! - (SLAP)

GK: When you're feeling beset by carnal temptation, maybe you need a live-in counselor from the Lundberg Counseling Agency. With most counselors, you wind up paying them to sit and listen to you. But not at L.C.A. At L.C.A. you get advice and you get it right away.

SS (OLDER MIDWESTERN WOMAN): Listen to me, people. Time to wake up and smell the coffee. You get in there and take off those ridiculous shorts and leggings and quit acting like a bunch of goats. I mean, grow up. You get your little butts in gear and get all these beef bones off the floor and wipe up this grease and blood and vomit too while you're at it. And you quit pinching that girl's butt or I'll slap you so hard your head'll spin and I don't mean maybe.

GK: Lundberg Counseling Agency helps you set goals and encourages you to reach them.

VS (ENGLISH): Come live with me and be my love and we will all the pleasures prove!

SS (OLDER): Nobody's gonna live with you and be your love until you get a job, Mr. Smart Pants, so you just put down that nut-brown ale and get busy.

GK: Lundberg Counseling Agency ... in the Yellow Pages under Discipline.

(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor