(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, VS: Vern Sutton)
Tonight's show is brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
GK: It's Mother's Day and you want to go all out. You arrange for a stretch limo (VS: I'm Duane from Triple A Prestige Limo, I'll be your driver.) and you have a reservation at the most expensive restaurant in town, La Ridicule (TR FRENCH WAITER), and you buy Mom the most expensive chocolates you can find, in a box that plays a song when you open the lid. (VS TINNY TENOR SLIGHTLY SHARP: Love is a many-splendored thing ...) And you put on your best suit and tie. And you write her a note (TR: I love you, Mama. So much.). Which is true. Such memories you have. (SS OLD LADY REVERB: You're not getting up from this potty until you've done something for mommy!) So you go and pick up Mom at the Dowager Arms apartment, building. (SS OLD LADY: Hello honey. TWO KISSES) Mom and her dog, Snuggles. (YIPPY DOG) (SS OLD LADY: Oh! A limo! You shouldn't have. How lovely.) Duane helps Mom into the car. (VS: You just relax and make yourself comfy.) And then you go to get in and (THUNK. CRUNCH. TR CRY OF PAIN) he closes the door on your index finger. (VS: Whoops. Sorry, fella.) (TR SOBBING QUIETLY) The pain. It's unbearable. (SS OLD LADY: Oh stop that blubbering. It's just your finger, for pity's sake.) You arrive at the restaurant and Duane opens the door. (VS: Out you go, darling.) He helps Mom out of the car and then you go to get out and (DOG YIPS) Snuggles leaps into the front seat and jars the shift lever (TR CRY OF PANIC) and the limo starts to roll (WHEELS ON GRAVEL) and your jacket is caught in the door and (TR: Help! help!) you're dragged along for fifteen feet until the limo is stopped by a post. (SLIGHT CRUNCH) (TR WHIMPERING) (VS: Sorry about that. SS OLD LADY: Oh get up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. DOG YIPS. VS: Here, I'll brush some of that dirt off ya. SLAPS.) And he whacks you a couple of hard ones. (TR: Please! SS: Oh stop being such a whiner.) You check to make sure the candy box isn't broken. (VS TINNY TENOR: Love is a many-splendored thing) (SS OLD LADY: What is that? A cat?) And you trudge into La Ridicule. (TR FRENCH WAITER, ALOOF) And you're led through the crowded restaurant (MURMURS IN PASSING), you in your torn jacket, to a table that's right next to the door to the (TOILET FLUSH) - (TR: The men's room!!! What?) (SS OLD LADY: Oh get over it.) Snuggles sits between you and Mom on his own chair. (YIPS) And there's a fourth seat. (SS OLD LADY: I hope you don't mind. I invited Leonard.) (TR: Who's Leonard?) And a large shadow falls over the table. (VS: Hiya, Angel Lips. SS OLD LADY: Oh Lenny. KISS. VS: Hiya, Snuggles. DOG FRIENDLINESS. VS: You must be Frank. I've heard so much about you.) And a man in a shiny suit who's wearing tinted glasses and smoking a cigarillo sits down beside Mom and takes her hand. (SS OLD LADY: Leonard and I are going to marry next week, honey.) And you look at your little Mom and she's gazing up into those tinted glasses (SS OLD LADY: Leonard is in the investment business, honey. He's done so much with the insurance money. What's this? A box of chocolates? VS TINNY TENOR: Love is a many splendored thing.)
Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor