He's smooth and he's cool, and quick with a gun,
A master in the boudoir.
A guy in a trenchcoat who gets the job done,
Guy.....Guy Noir.

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was one of those perfect days in early summer when you wake up and you think maybe there is such a thing as happiness, and then (PHONE RINGS. PICK UP)---- Yeah, Noir here.

TK (ON PHONE): Hi. I'm looking for a private eye to find out some real bad stuff about my wife, okay? She accused me of all this stuff, and I want to find out some stuff about her, okay?

GK: I don't do that.

TK (ON PHONE): What do you mean, you don't do that? You follow her around, you see where she goes, see what she does, take pictures-----

GK: Try somebody else. (HANG UP. MUSIC) It's a mean world a private eye travels in - you want to go to the park and sit in the sun andf(PHONE RING. PICK UP) Yeah, Noir here.

TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, I'm with an organization called The Committee for Truth and Justice In Washington, and we're looking for a professional investigator who can help us show how Bill Clinton in exchange for campaign contributions is selling top-secret stuff to the Chinese that could result in our precious country vanishing in a thermonuclear holocaust.

GK: Right.

TR (ON PHONE) Everything--- gone---- Palm Springs....the NFL....the Osmond Family..... all because Bill Clinton is on the take from the communist warlords of Beijing.

GK: Peddle your papers somewhere else, okay? (HANG UP) It was a beautiful summer day. I was about to go to the park and sit in the sun and commune with nature---- (PHONE RING. PICK UP) Yeah, this is Noir.


GK: Sugar?

SS (ON PHONE): You know who I am?

GK: Yes, of course I know who you are.

SS (ON PHONE): You remember me?

GK: Sugar, we've been together for fifteen years.

SS (ON PHONE): Oh, are we still together?

GK: Sugar----

SS (ON PHONE): How should I know? You never call me----

GK: I've been sort of tied up.

SS (ON PHONE): Tied up by whom?

GK: Sugar, come on, don't do this to me.

SS (ON PHONE): What's her name?

GK: Sugar, don't be like that---

SS (ON PHONE): You don't even know her name?

GK: Sugar----

SS (ON PHONE): Do you even remember what she looks like?

GK: Listen, Sugar---- you know I love you----

SS (ON PHONE): How would I know that, Guy?

GK: Oh, come on----

SS (ON PHONE): Didja hide a note under my pillow? Huh? Didja leave me a birthday gift?

GK: Oh my gosh. I'm sorry.

SS (ON PHONE): It's okay. It doesn't matter. I'm used to it.

GK: I meant to buy you a present.

SS (ON PHONE): Eh!! I don't even care anymore.

GK: June 10th.

SS (ON PHONE): May 10th.

GK: Right. May 10th.

SS (ON PHONE): You were close.

GK: I'm sorry, Sugar.

SS (ON PHONE): Only a month off.

GK: I'm sorry.

SS (ON PHONE): I don't know what I'm waiting around for. You're never going to marry me, are you, Guy?

GK: Do we have to talk about that now?

SS (ON PHONE): You promised me you would someday.

GK: I know.

SS (ON PHONE): And that day is never going to come.

GK: I'm sorry, Sugar.

SS (ON PHONE): You showed me that little white house you were going to buy.

GK: I'm sorry.

SS (ON PHONE): With the yard and the driveway and everything. I went by there today, Guy. Somebody else bought it.

GK: I'm sorry.

SS (ON PHONE): Somebody else is living in our house, Guy.


SS (ON PHONE): I wish I could give you up, Guy, and go find somebody else, but I can't. You know why I can't?

GK: Because you're not like that.

SS (ON PHONE): Because I'm not like that, Guy. I'm true. Unlike certain other people I could mention.

GK: You're making me feel bad, Sugar.

SS (ON PHONE): It's about time. Are you going to even take me to dinner tonight, even though it's a month late?

GK: Let me see. I'll call you back.

SS (ON PHONE): Don't wait too long. I don't have all day. (MUSIC)

GK: I felt bad. I went to the park and looked at the little children playing around the fountain and I tried to be happy and I said to myself, Hey, you can't help it you're flat broke and you can't buy Sugar a life and I got up and stretched out my arms to the sky and I said, Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and unbeknownst to me one of the little children had tied my shoelaces together and I took a step and fell flat on my face and I could hear snickering in the bushes. And I headed over to the Five Spot. (MUSIC BRIDGE, DOOR OPEN, JINGLES) (FOOTSTEPS)

TR: Hey! Hiya, Guy.

GK: Hiya, Jimmy.

TR: Somebody pop you one in the nose, Guy?

GK: No, I attempted some acrobatics, Jimmy.

TR: Guess you misjudged.

GK: Guess so.

TR: What can I get for you?

GK: Just a tomato juice and a lemon.

TR (FADING): Coming right up.

TK (DRUNK): Hey---- you're Guy Noir, aren't you.

GK: Yes, I am.

TK (DRUNK): I thought you were him. I looked over at you and you look just like him.

GK: I guess I'd have to since I am him.

TK (DRUNK): That's good. I like that. You're a real funny guy. You know that?

TR (APPROACHING): One tomato juice and a wedge of lemon. There you go.

GK: Thanks, Jimmy.

TR: Something wrong, Guy?

GK: Nope. Just thinking.

TR: You got a thoughtful look on your face.

GK: Yeah.

TR: I hope it doesn't mean that you're short on cash again.

GK: No, no, Jimmy. Here---- (COINS ON BAR) ---- that's not it.

TR: You got women problems?

GK: Never had a problem with women, Jimmy. I always loved them. I never regretted a single moment I ever spent with a beautiful woman. And I never met a woman who wasn't beautiful in her own way.

TR: Well, now you're talking----

TK (DRUNK): Hey. You know who you remind me of? You know? Larry Oliver.

GK: Larry Oliver?

TK (DRUNK): You know. The guy who played Hamlet.

GK: You mean Lawrence Olivier.

TK (DRUNK): Right. Larry Oliver. And he used to sing "Malaguena".

TR: Easy, Billy. (TK DRUNK SUBSIDING) --- You have to overlook Billy here, Guy----

GK: It's no problem.

TR: Billy's wife kicked him out of the house on Tuesday and he's been a mess ever since.

TK (DRUNK): Threw me out of my own house.

TR: She got mad at him for putting dirty socks on the kitchen table and she give him the heave-ho.

GK: One more tragic victim.

TK (DRUNK): That Larry Oliver was quite a guy. He'd sing Malaguena and then take all his clothes off. Hey----

TR: That's enough for you, Billy. You finish that one and then you go in the back room and sleep it off.

GK: I woke up this morning in such a good mood and it all wore off. I think from now on I'm going to skip afternoons. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLES. WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS) Everything bad that ever happened to me happened around two o'clock in the af------ (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AND STOP)

SS (TALL, BEAUTIFUL, WHISPERY): You're Guy Noir, aren't you---

GK: Yes, ma'am.

SS: Good. I've been looking for you.

GK: Well---- here's looking at you.

SS: Do you mind if I sit down next to you?

GK: No. Fine. Have a seat.

SS: You're much more attractive than I thought you'd be.

GK: Thanks. I guess.

SS: Physically, I mean.

GK: I know. Do you mind if I ask you to button that button right there?

SS: This button here?

GK: Yeah. That button there. You're making my heart pound so hard I can't hear you very well. There. That's better. I didn't catch your name.

SS: Jennifer. Jennifer Burnside. Mr. Noir, I'm with an organization called Americans for Family Values In Government, and we're working on a very important project right now-----

GK: Does this have to do with Bill Clinton and the Chinese and the satellites?

SS: Yes, it does. We are gathering evidence that the Chinese are going to use these satellites to beam subliminal messages into every home in America ---

GK: I see.

SS: That Bill Clinton, in exchange for payoff money from commie dictators, is going to let them use television to reprogram the American people ---

GK: Interesting-----

SS: Once those satellites get up in the air, your On/Off switch will be controlled from Beijing ---- we'll have to sit there as our Red Masters turn us into obedient automatons through mind control. Do you want to see that?

GK: Sounds bad.

SS: Then we need you to help us.

GK: I see. Is this one of those personal sacrifices that one is called upon to make for one's country, Miss Burnside? Or does this pay?

SS: We pay. We pay very well.

GK: How well is that?

SS: You'd be amazed how well.

GK: Will I be working with you, Miss Burnside?

SS: You'll be working very closely with me.

GK: Family Values is sort of a new cause for me, you understand.

SS: For me too.

GK: So you're not a-----

SS: I'm a psychologist, Mr. Noir. I work for anyone who hires me. The client sets the goals, I develope the methodology. As simple as that.

GK: I never heard anyone say the word "methodology" the way you do.

SS: You all finished with that tomato juice?

GK: All finished.

SS: Then I'd like you to follow me out that door, Mr. Noir, and when we get out the door, don't be surprised if I suddenly turn and press my lips against yours and hold you very close for a very long time.

GK: Thanks for the warning. (THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)

(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor