Our show is brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf with your host, Maurice the maitre'd. Bon soir, Maurice.
TK: Do we have a bar?
GK: Bon soir!
TK: No, of course we do not have a bar. (GK KEEPS TRYING TO INTERRUPT) This is a restaurant. People don't come here to drink! They come to have a fine dining experience, monsieur. Eh? Do you smell beer? Do you smell the mothballs in the toilets? Eh? Non. It's a restaurant. You Americans, you drink too much. A little apertif, fine. But you people----
GK: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Enough already. I didn't ask if there was a bar.
TK: Well, that's better. Bon soir to you, monsieur. GK: Bon soir.
TK: No, I cannot park your car. I am a maitre'd. I'm not a parking attendant. Am I wearing a white coat? No, I am not.
GK: Maurice, what's on the menu tonight?
TK: Tonight on the menu we have the (FRENCH GIBBERISH)--- and that is fixed in a Sauce (GIBBERISH) and served on a bed of (GIBBERISH). Along with a (FRENCH VOCALISM FOR SMALL) of (GIBBERISH).
GK: Good. It sounds wonderful.
TK: You wish to order?
GK: This dish---- this (GIBBERISH) ---- this doesn't contain----
TK: What is that? (GIBBERISH) I didn't say that. I said that we are serving (GIBBERISH)-----
GK: What did I say?
TK: You told me that my wife looks like a suitcase.
GK: I'm sorry. I only meant to ask about the food.
TK: What about it?
GK: Maurice, I'm---- I don't mean to insult you and your people, but I am an American guy, and we don't go in for eating odd body parts, okay? We eat breasts, we eat thighs, we eat rumps, sometimes other parts of the leg or the shoulder, but we don't, you know, like eat the heads. Or the kidneys.
TK: You don't eat heads?
TK: The cheek of the pig?
TK: Or the lips? You don't eat that?
GK: Pig lips? No. We don't.
TK: Monsieur --- how would he feel --- the pig --- if he knew that he gave up his life and then you simply threw away his cheeks? His lips? The tastiest part?
GK: I can't be thinking about a pig's feelings at this point.
TK: (FRENCH SHRUG, GIBBERISH)
GK: It's just that I know that you French, you consider certain things a delicacy that we don't.
TK: Oh? Like what?
GK: Well, that's what I'm wondering. This dish you told me about, this (GIBBERISH) ---- it isn't some weird thing, is it?
TK: (GIBBERISH)? I didn't say (GIBBERISH). I said (GIBBERISH).
GK: What did I say?
TK: You said (FIRST GIBBERISH). Which means, "Stop, or I will notify the authorities."
GK: I'm sorry. My accent is poor. I'm aware of that. But this dish you recommended ---- this isn't, like, pate of pancreas of pigeon or something like that, is it?
TK: What do you have against pigeons?
GK: Nothing. What is the dish you recommended?
TK: I forget. Tell me the name.
TK: Was it (GIBBERISH)?
TK: That is the sauteed throats of trout.
GK: Trout throats?
TK: Oui, monsieur. A great delicacy.
GK: You wouldn't have something that was, you know, more toward the center?
TK: We have (GIBBERISH) ----
GK: What's that?
TK: It is the armpit of a very young sheep----
GK: No, thanks----
TK: Stuffed with spinach----
GK: No, thanks.
TK: We also have the (GIBBERISH)----
GK: I don't have the heart to ask.
TK: It is the ankles of the ox.
GK: Well, that sounds better.
TK: You want that?
GK: Along with the ankle, do I get some of the calf?
TK: No, this is the grown ox. Not a calf.
GK: Could you just bring me a steak?
TK: Yes, of course. How would you like it done?
GK: Well done.
TK: Very well. And how about a nice red wine with that?
GK: Well---- I could, but---- could I get a Dr Pepper with that?
TK: A Doctor Pepper? With (GIBBERISH)? Certainly not.
GK: Okay. I'll have the red wine.
TK: FRENCH GRUMBLING
GK: The Cafe Boeuf.... The home of good eaters, of good taste, of passion, of (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGH)---- (PLAYOFF)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor