...brought to you by Fred Farrell's Family of Animals

TR: This is Fred Farrell. Spring means the beginning of new life and unfortunately that includes a lot of new life you could do without. Talking about bats and mice. Spring is when all those bats who were hibernating in your old sportcoat all winter wake up and perform their intricate aerial maneuvers in your bedroom (BAT SQUEAKS, WINGS) and you and the little lady huddle terrified under the sheets and then in the morning as she tippy-toes to the bathroom she meets a rodent on his way home from work ----- (SS SCREAM) ---- and now you've got a problem on your hands, big guy.

SS: I want you to do something about this!

TK: I will.

SS: You keep saying that. This time I want you to take care of it!

TK: I will. I promise.

SS: That's what you said the last time.

TK: This time, I will.

SS: I mean it.

TK: I'll take care of it.

SS: If you can't get rid of the mice and bats in this house, I'm going to a hotel. (CHORDS)

TR: You see, we've come a long way toward gender equality in this country, but when it comes to pesky critters, it's a guy's job to deal with it ---- so what do you do? You get one of my Fred Farrell Condor calls (CONDOR SHRIEK) and it takes care of your problem instantly. Blow on that sucker a few times and it lets bats and mice know that a creature farther up the food chain has moved in, a creature with an eight-foot wingspan and a great hooked beak, a creature who believes in capital punishment--- (CONDOR) the California king condor call keeps bats and mice at bay ----- guaranteed, or your money back. You want a refund, just ask him for it. (CONDOR)

GK: Send for your California condor call and get absolutely free the Fred Farrell ten-in-one animal call ---- all on one lanyard, hangs around the neck so it's ready to use ---- ten animal calls on one lanyard, including lamb (SFX), a llama (SFX), lark (SFX), Lippizaner (WHINNY), lemur (SFX), Lhasa apso (SFX), Leghorn (CHICKEN), Longhorn (MOO), loon (SFX), and sea lion (SFX). Fred Farrell, the name to trust when it comes to your animal needs. (MONKEY, JUNGLE BIRDS)

(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor