The Minnesota Public Radio 30th anniversary staff party was this past week, a real blow out --- (CORK POP) lots of champagne, and dancing, and then at midnight, the Minnesota Public Radio corporate plane (JET TAKEOFF) flew us off to Disney World where we had the park to ourselves, rode the go-carts (LITTLE ENGINES PASSING, FAST) for an hour and the water slide (SLIDE, INTO WATER, CRY OF PLEASURE) and the Space Mountain (CAR ON RAILS, FAST, AND SCREAM, IN PASSING) and afterward we had champagne (POP CORK) and afterward the annual bonus checks were handed out.
GK: Everyone on the MPR staff was there except for our sound-effects man, or sound resource person, as we like to think of him, Mr. Tom Keith.
TK: Bonus checks?
GK: Tom stays away from parties because they're too loud and just because you're in the sound business doesn't mean you enjoy noise. Tom spent the week on his oat farm in western Minnesota (WIND), out on the prairie, he and his trick dog Dave (DOG) and his elk Earl (ELK) and his trained orangutan Orville (ORANGUTAN) ---- and he turned in early that night. (YAWN) He climbed those well-worn stairs (STAIR CREAKS) up to the bedroom (FOOTSTEPS) and closed the door (DOOR) and turned off the phone (CLICK) and put in the ear plugs (POP, POP) and crawled into the sack (CREAK) and in a couple of minutes (SNORING) he was out, but when a sound effects man sleeps, it isn't always a peaceful sleep --- (ELEPHANT CRY. TK CRY OF ALARM. RUNNING IN GRAVEL THROUGH BRUSH.) --- often there are animals in those dreams and they come at you suddenly and chase you through the tall booji grass and suddenly there's a dark shadow of giant wings (CONDOR CRY) and huge talons grab your shirt (RIP) and (TK CRY, RISING, WINGS BEATING) now you're a hundred feet in the air and then a blizzard (BLIZZARD) comes in suddenly and the bird drops you (CONDOR SHRIEK, TK FALLING) into a snowdrift (LANDING) where a bear was hibernating (BEAR ROAR), and boy, he's ticked off now (BEAR ROAR, TK RUNNING FEET) and you dash toward this pine tree and you start climbing (TK HEAVING BREATHING) with the bear behind you (BEAR ROAR) and you get about forty feet up (CREAK) and the top starts to bend and you notice (LOUDER CREAK) this big crack just below you and you're about to fall (TK CRY OF PANIC) and thank goodness for the Air National Guard, (CHOPPER) the big Huey chopper comes in and lifts you out and carries you away and --- what in the world? (SURF) They're taking you to that island way out there, forty miles off the coast of Florida. (CHOPPER) It's a terrible mistake. (SURF) You wave at them but they don't see --- and now they cut the rope (TK FALLING, LANDS IN SEA. SWIMMING. SURF)---- and you fall fifty feet into the water and you have to swim through the shark-infested waters and finally you land exhausted on the beach (TK BREATHING HARD, SURF CONTINUES) and lie there trying to get yourself oriented and (CONDOR), doggone if it isn't that bird again, but now (GUNSHOT) a shot rings out and you look (TK: What?) and a woman has walked out of the surf, carrying a rifle, and she strolls up the beach toward you (TK: Oh.....mama mama mama...) (FLIPPERS APPROACH), she's wearing scuba gear (SCUBA BREATHING) and she's the most beautiful woman you've ever seen in your life (HEART POUNDING) and she takes you by the hand (TK: Hi....) and leads you toward the sea, (CRASH OF SURF, FOOTSTEPS AWAY) the wild wild sea, the sea the source of all life, but that's another story. Happy Anniversary, MPR. (SURF, GULLS)
©1996 BY GARRISON KEILLOR