GK: ...brought to you by Fred Farrell Animal Calls. (MONKEY, JUNGLE BIRDS) When it comes to animal calls, there's just one name, and that's Fred Farrell.
TR: This is Fred Farrell. If you fill up your birdfeeders with suet and seeds these cold winter months, (BIRDS) you're going to attract birds but you're also going to attract squirrels. (SQUIRREL CHATTER) And maybe some wild turkeys (TURKEY) and before you know it you got a bunch of deer in your yard (DEER) standing on their hind legs with their big lips fastened onto the birdfeeder and when you get deer in the yard, you've got yourself a headache. They leave big hoof marks in the lawn and turn it into a mud wallow and they lean against your garage and leave ticks that will bite you and give you Lyme's disease and you'll spend the rest of 1997 feeling like you've got the worst case of flu you ever had and you'll go to about eight different doctors and nobody'll figure it out and your medical insurance will run out when you're fired at work and you'll have to sell the house and move to your brother's in Phoenix, and all because of Bambi. Maybe you ought to order this set of my Fred Farrell Deer Insults. Just as a Deer Call attracts deer --- my Fred Farrell Deer Insults send deer away with their lower lips quivering and their big brown eyes full of tears --- this one, for example, (DEER SCORN), which means "Those aren't your real antlers, are they?" or how about this one, (DEER SNORTS) that one says, "There are forest rangers shooting hypodermic needles into deer's butts and they sure won't have any trouble hitting yours, wide ride," (SFX), or how about this one (DEER SOUND), it says, "Hey, if your IQ were ten points higher, you'd qualify as a hammer," and how about this one (DEER DERISION), it says, "You hang around here, you're going to wake up with a radio transmitter installed in your armpit" --- wildlife is fine in its place, but you can't let them come in and eat your lunch. (DEER SOUND) Beat it.
GK: Order a set of Fred Farrell Deer Insults and get, free, a six-in-one set of Animal Calls, including lamprey (SFX), lamb (SFX), llama (SFX), lemur (SFX), lemming (SFX), and loon (SFX). Fred Farrell, the name to trust when it comes to animal calls. (MONKEY, JUNGLE BIRDS)
© 1996 BY GARRISON KEILLOR