GK: It's 1492, and you've just sailed away (OCEAN WIND) from Portugal, looking for the New World. Queen Isabella (SS: GIBBERISH PORTUGUESE) has given you her blessing, and so you're off (CHEERS) You're out at sea (OCEAN, WOOD CREAKING), enjoying the elegant life of a sailor (DINNER PLATES, GLASSES, TR: NICE BUFFET, LOUIS) and yes, you could fall off the edge of the world and yet you've got great wine and plenty of sunscreen and the winds are favorable (TK: LOOK, FERDINAND IS UP ON ONE SKI, COOL!) Yes, things couldn't be better. Then.....three months into the voyage (WIND, STORM) and still no sign of land (SS: I THOUGHT YOU Knew WHERE THE INDIES ARE. WHY NOT STOP AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS? TR: DIRECTIONS? I'M MAKING THE DIRECTIONS!) The crew is starting to get on edge (TK: CAPTAIN, I WANT TO INFORM YOU THAT FROM NOW ON, YOUR CREW IS BEING REPRESENTED BY TEAMSTERS LOCAL 186) All the deck chairs have fallen overboard (SPLASH), the guys in the crows nests are mooning other ships (TK: YOO HOO!) You are hopelessly lost, and monsoon rains (RAIN) have started (TK: SIR, WE'RE RUNNING LOW ON PROZAC) Towel snapping among the crew is at an all time high (TOWEL SNAPPING), and you catch a guy carving (WOOD CARVING) "Queen Isabella is a babe" on the main yard arm. Just as you are about to ration out the last of the Dramamine, it happens (WOOD CRUNCHING, SHOUTING) You've hit dry land! You and the crew run out (FEET ON WOOD) to the bow and look out on the Orient (DEEP WOOD SFX, CRICKETS, DOG) there is a man of the Orient approaching (TK: SWEDISH GIBBERISH) -- You try to reason with him (TR: I'M CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS AND THIS IS MY WIFE KATHY AND ALL OF THIS IS THE PROPERTY OF QUEEN ISABELLA. WHERE ARE WE, BY THE WAY? (TK: SWEDISH GIBBERISH ENDING IN "OHIO")
TR: Ohio! You must mean Shanghai --
SS: He's a Viking, Chris. And we're in the Midwest. And we're out of tomato paste. (CHORD) (SWEDISH GIBBERISH) He's offering you those dried herring.
SS: Well, at least they'll name the town for you.
Copyright 1996, by Garrison Keillor