Ketchup script
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Listen

Sue Scott: These are the good years for Jim and me... We got an invitation in the mail for our daughter's one-woman show. It's called Look What They Did To Me: My Parents, My Pain. She says it's been getting big crowds-- she thought it would be very cleansing for us to come. But we couldn't. Jim had to go and get his teeth cleaned. He didn't have any cavities, but they have 52 areas that they're going to keep a close eye on for next time. That night he had a dream about work and woke up and went there, thinking it was morning, but it was 3 a.m. and he set off the security alarms, the company SWAT team came in with automatic weapons and tear-gassed him and cuffed him and took him downtown, and unfortunately Jim was carrying the copy of the Koran that our daughter had sent him for Christmas ( you know how kids are) and that meant that they detained him for three days, and when he came home, he'd been given a truth serum and was saying things I didn't care to hear— he was a mess. Jim— darling?

Tim Russell: Barb. Guess what.

SS: What?

TR: That's what.

SS: What's what?

TR: It's a joke, Barb.From second grade. It just came back to me.

SS: That's not a joke, Jim—that's just stupid.

TR: What's that behind you, Barb?

SS: Where, Jim?

TR: Made you look, make you look, made you buy a penny book.

SS: Don't be so immature! Hey—did you take my toast?

TR: (CHEWING) Finders keepers. Mmm. Apricot jam.

SS: That's my toast!

TR: Knock knock.

SS: Who's there, Jim?

TR: Eskimo Christians.

SS: I hate this joke.

TR: You're supposed to say, "Eskimo Christians who?" Come on.

SS: Eskimo Christians Who?

TR: Eskimo Christians I'll tell you no lies.

SS: It's not funny.

TR (LAUGHS): It's funny to me, Barb.

SS: Jim what's gotten into you this morning? You're so-loopy.

TR: I in that dentist's chair, looking at the X-rays of all my impending cavities, and I thought, life is short. It's meant to be enjoyed.

SS: You're enjoying my toast, is what you're doing, Jim.

TR: Lighten up, Barb.

SS: Jim, I wonder if you've been getting enough ketchup.

TR: Ketchup, Barb?

SS: Ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help you see that life is ok just as it is. With or without jokes.

TR: Sounds good, Barb. Did you hear about the —

SS: Yes, I did, Jim. Many times.

Rich Dworsky (SINGS):
These are the good times,
If we persevere.
Prosperity is coming.
All we need to fear is fear.
Life is flowing
Like ketchup in your beer.

Garrison Keillor: Ketchup, for the good times

RD: Ketchup...ketchup...ketchup...