Date script
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Listen

Garrison Keillor: Let's talk about humor and romance. You meet somebody and he's intelligent, good-looking, he thrills you when he touches you, he's a third-year law student, he's fun to be with, but then one night at dinner, he tells a joke—

Tim Russell: ...so all the farm animals are listening to what the horse has to say, and then the dog looks up and says-hey-a talking horse.

(A BEAT)

Sue Scott: Uh huh. — That's it?

TR: Well it's funny, because you don't expect it. Because all the animals are talking.

SS: That's the punchline? "Hey, a talking horse?"

TR: It's funny.

SS: It doesn't even make sense.

TR: Never mind. How's your soup?

SS: You know, I think I'm more of a one-liner kind of girl.

TR: Oh. Great.

SS: Oh you know, like, "rehab is for quitters," or "if you can't be kind, at least be vague." I love that one.

TR: Mmm hmm. Waiter-can we get the check please?

GK: If you're trying to decide whether you want to make a life with someone, there's no better way than to listen to "A Prairie Home Companion' and see if they laugh at the same jokes you laugh at. Then you'll avoid problems like this—

SS: So these two cannibals are eating a clown. And one clown says to the other clown, "does this taste funny to you?" (LAUGHS)

(A BEAT)

TR: I can't believe you think cannibalism is funny. People eating other people? That's a joke?

SS: You never heard a cannibal joke before?

TR: My parents were missionaries. They were both eaten by cannibals. (STIFLES SOB) I can't believe you'd be so insensitive.

SS: Honey— please—

TR: I can't talk about it.

SS: Oh my gosh-I'm so sorry.

TR: (SNIFFLING) Maybe we should just be friends.

GK: Sometimes people write on their profile, "I have a great sense of humor." But what does that mean specifically?

TR: Knock knock. — I said Knock Knock.

SS: I heard you.

TR: What's wrong?

SS: I got over knock-knock jokes in grade school.

TR: Please. Knock knock.

SS: (BEAT, THEN SULLENLY) Who's there?

TR: Sam and Janet.

SS: (SULLEN) Sam and Janet who?

TR (SINGS, BIG): Sam and Janet Evening, you will meet a stranger. You will meet a stranger across a crowded room—

SS: Bob— people are looking at us.

TR: Get it? Sam and Janet Evening. Some Enchanted Evening.

SS: I'm going to go to the women's room now. And then I'm going to get my coat.

GK: Why waste time figuring it out the hard way? Make sure that special someone in your life is someone who gets the joke-listen to our show and watch if they enjoy it or not.

SS: So— If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? (TR AND SS BREAKUP, LAUGHING, WHEEZING, GASPING)

GK: Never marry someone who doesn't have a sense of humor. A message from A PHC.