Dear Garrison,
It has been worrisome the past few weeks to know that Heinz is now offering
Green Ketchup for sale. Do we know if it has the same level of mellowing
agents? Can the Ketchup Advisory Board will take this revolting development
under consideration?
J.C. Davis
Dear J.C., You folks in San Diego get these cutting-edge
products before we in Minnesota do, and here in the heartland our
ketchup still runs red. But I will look into the green stuff and
get the facts and take the whole matter into consideration. Of course
green tomatoes are quite edible, especially when lightly breaded
and fried, but I can't imagine frying up a batch of ketchup. The
thought of it is distressing.
Dear Garrison:
I want to protest in the strongest term for your use of vulgarity on the
air yesterday (Sunday) afternoon. I have been troubled by the likes of Leno,
Letterman and Miller spewing vulgar languages to get cheap laughs with impunity
and I have since ceased to watch them all together. It should be noted,
however, that neither of them has reached the degree -- not on the air anyway
-- you have attained. I was deeply offended and appalled by the utterance
of "Holy S..." by someone like you on a family program. It's a height of
arrogance and stupidity. As the narrator of "Writer's Almanac" on the PRI
and a contributing writer to Time, you are expected to be levels above the
aforementioned comedians. Instead, you have emerged beneath them. Most regretfully,
people often let successes go over their head and contemptuously ignore
the public which gave them their successes in the first place.
I have long tolerated your singing. I know good voices. But you are no Domingo.
Nonetheless, it's your show. I can always turn it off, however. I did exactly
just that at that very moment yesterday and will keep your show off my dial
until you clean up your act. What good is a show without an audience for
which the sponsors pay a good buck? Remember, your show is carried over
the public airwaves subsidized by my tax dollars.
William Liou
Dear Mr. Liou, Egads. Did I say
that? Guess I must've. Will try to reform, but how will you know
when the act has been cleansed if you don't listen? Should we call
you?
Dear Garrison,
I'm a eleven-year-old lover of your show. I like acting and standing before
an audience but I've wondered, what is it like for you to host a radio show
in front of an audience?
Corinne
Dear Corinne, When I was eleven I couldn't bear
to stand up in front of an audience. Of course I was somewhat weird
looking due to my pointy head, which has since been sanded down
to something more normal in shape, but every Sunday morning, when
we children had to stand up in church and recite a Bible verse from
memory, I died a thousand deaths. Or at least six deaths. Okay,
four deaths. Anyway, it was scary. As a result I don't remember
as many of those Bible verses as I wish I could. I was one scared
little rabbit. Now I'm 78 years old and it's still scary but not
as scary because I'm not smart enough to be as scared as I should
be. Do you know what I mean? I walk out on stage, feeling comfy
and warm, and stand under the lights and sing and talk and stuff,
and if I had more sense I'd be terrified but I don't, so I'm not.
Good luck.
Dear Garrison,
I feel it only fair to inform you that Lutherans are looming rather large
in the lives of some of us Catholic parents in Durham, NC residents right
now. We pulled our kids out of the local Catholic grammar/middle school,
and now the local Lutheran has offered to host a school in his church. Do
we trust him? Should we worry that he will try to convert the children?
He just sounds too good to be true. This matter is of grave concern to me.
Sally Guilmart, Durham, NC
Dear Sally, It's of concern to me, too. My hunch
is that he's a Lutheran who is trying to jump ship and become a
papist and that when you get your school going he'll be very friendly
and drop in and participate and when you get to the part where you
say the rosary and pray for the conversion of the Protestants, he'll
join in, and gradually he'll come over to your side. But do you
really want this? A Lutheran is always a Lutheran, even if he converts
to Romanism. Check it out. (Isn't there a Unitarian church where
you could hold your school? Or don't they have a basement?)
Mr. Keillor,
Have you ever explored the idea of turning your Lake Wobegon stories into
a television show? It would be so cool to take a weekly trip into the town
and see what's going on (of course after we've listened to your radio show).
Joe
Dear Joe, We did that, a dog's age ago, telecast
a whole slew of shows on the Disney network and it was rather low-grade
TV, if you ask me. Of course if you're a TV producer and are offering
us buckets of money to try again, heck, let's have lunch. But I
take it you're just a normal guy. Thanks for the note.
Hello.
I have just finished WLT: A Radio Romance and I must admit, it is my absolute
favorite of anything you have ever done. I simply loved the characters:
their saltiness, their torture, and their humor. Do you plan on writing
something in this vein again? It is simply divine!
Jeni Heineman
Dear Jeni, This is the sort of letter
an aging author longs to receive and now that I've read it fifteen
times and called up my mother and read it to her, I want to thank
you. Who knows what your motive was ---- maybe you sing in a bluegrass
band and you've sent me a demo tape and now you're buttering me
up so I'll book you and the group on the show. Heck, yes. In a minute.
As for my plans, I happen to be working on a new novel that is salty
and humorous (and maybe tortured, too, I don't know) and it's supposed
to come out in a year. And can I use a quote from you on the cover
("Simply divine!")? But is it okay if I attribute it to Michiko
Kakutani of the New York Times? Thanks.
Sir:
First, I really enjoy your show! When I have to miss it, I try to catch
it on Sunday (repeated on my PBS station, WUIS). I heard a rumor and want
to check it out. I recently heard that you refused to sign a book for a
Unitarian fundraising auction, and wrote to the requester a harsh letter
about the religion. Is this true? Do you really dislike the Unitarian religion?
Michael Plog
Dear Michael, Not true. Don't know how such a
rumor could have started. I like Unitarians and they've given me
all their best Unitarian jokes. And I sign a ton of books for fundraising
auctions. And I don't have the time to write harsh letters.
Hello Garrison -
We recently returned from a trip to the Canadian Rockies, and while traveling
south of Avon, Minn. along I-94, I swear we saw Florian and Myrtle Krebsbach
in the car next to us. I had an overwhelming feeling that it had to be them.
We waved, and both occupants smiled broadly and waved back. The only problem
was that he was driving a Buick. Are there any exceptions to the Ford/Chevy
rule in Lake Wobegon?
Tom Geyer
Dear Tom, I'm not surprised to hear
about this Buick. Florian has been talking about trading up and
I guess he got an offer he couldn't turn down. The old rules don't
hold as true as they used to, that's for sure. Anyway, it was nice
of you to wave. Knowing F & M, I'd guess they drove straight home
and put the coffee on and baked up some apple strudel on the odd
chance that you were relatives and might drop in for a visit. Knowing
what sort of coffee they make, I'd say it's just as well you didn't
drop in.
Dear Garrison,
I noticed in a newspaper article that your mother was a DENHAM. I have been
doing genealogy research on the DENHAM family for about 15 years. Could
you tell me who your DENHAM grandparents were and where they are from?
Billy Denham in Chattanooga, TN.
Dear Billy, William and Marion were
my grandparents and they came over from Glasgow in about 1910 with
five little children and settled on Longfellow Avenue in south Minneapolis.
Sir:
Your radio program, Prairie Home Companion" started out very nicely with
a tribute to your baby daughter. However, I did not appreciate your snide
remarks about the Honorable Bob Barr and renaming Peach Street "impeachment"
street. You implied that Bob Barr is less than worthy. In fact, if you paid
attention, you would see what an honorable representative he is. Are you
trying to affect his reelection?
In closing I would ask if you are you an apologist for Clinton, who has
behaved as president in ways from which our country may never recover? Is
your program only for left wing liberals?
Diane Archer
Ma'am: I myself am a left-wing tax-and-spend northern
liberal and an apologist for all sorts of evils (taxation, public
schools, newspapers, lawyers) but I aim the program toward the folks
in the middle so as to seed my propaganda and win converts. No signs
of success so far but a boy has to try. And I disagree about the
country not recovering from Mr. Clinton. America has recovered from
all sorts of things: it's a nation with enormous recuperative powers.
Dear Mr. Keillor,
Just thought you'd like to know I am about to bake the FIRST rhubarb pie
of the season. We can't get the stuff to grow in Colorado. A "red" plant
turns green and bitter by the second year. The first rhubarb in the grocery
store appeared in just one of our supermarkets yesterday! I didn't want
to appear greedy and take it all, but I wish I had, because I have only
enough for two pies. One will go to a dear friend -- hers has to have a
few strawberries thrown in, but I like ours "pure." Just thought you'd like
to know.
Ann Campbell...in Denver
Dear Miss Campbell, Thanks for letting
me know. I had no idea that rhubarb didn't grow in Colorado. Here
in Minnesota, you don't find it in the grocery stores, you get all
you want in a nearby ditch or field and bake all the pies you can
eat. People in Minnesota are sick of rhubarb, it's so plentiful.
They prefer kiwi fruit, sea scallops, Japanese pears, calamari,
all the delicacies, even though rhubarb is the key to the good life
as we know it. What a tragedy. But there's a lot of human nature
in everybody, I guess.
Dear Garrison,
After listening to your program for over a year now, I am still unsure of
what to make of you politically and Spiritually. You claim you are a liberal,
and yet, you sound so republican. The liberals that I know would never sing
a Gospel song, nor would they talk about Lutherans positively or negatively;
it simply would not surface. Your writing style and subject matter is so
nostalgic and morally beautiful (mostly) and it is driving me crazy. Your
writing very often blesses me in a bittersweet sort of way and I love it!
Just who ARE you, really? By the way, what is your take on some of the more
"Charismatic" faiths? (be nice now).
Franklin, Upstate New York
Dear Franklin, If you're unsure of where I stand,
then that makes two of us. I've always wished I could be a Republican
because it seems they have more fun, are less earnest than Democrats,
have more money and nicer hair and possibly live longer, but I've
never been able to talk myself into it. So I'm a left-wing tax-and-spend
northern liberal who happens to like Lutherans a lot and love gospel
songs. Don't know any charismatics myself so don't have a take on
them. None of my people are charismatic or even that attractive
personally.
Dear Garrison,
Several weeks ago I was delighted to hear you again
sing duets with the incomparable Lynn Peterson. Please seriously consider
recording and releasing a CD of duets (Linda and EmmyLou, as good as they
are -- would have to take notice) -- but please do not become pop or commercial
sounding.
David Haynes
Dear David, You're awfully kind and thank you
for the thought. Lynn is great and I love to sing with her. We each
want to sing the harmony part and have the other one sing lead,
so we fight over this, but usually I sing harmony, which is better
because her voice is better. I'll consider the CD idea but probably
not for more than five minutes: studio recording is not my strong
suit. It drives me crazy. Kate Mackenzie and I did a duet CD about
ten years ago, or tried to, and spend days recording and recording
and recording, and we had about fifty takes of every song, and finally
we shovelled all the tapes in a box and put it in the basement and
suffered no regrets.
Dear Mr. Keillor,
I wonder if you would care to give me some philosophical insight on the
topic of being fired. Clearly, you have found a wonderful profession for
which you are aptly suited and which gives pleasure to many. I wonder if
you have always been this lucky or if you have (as I am now doing) experienced
some "bumps" along the way.
Thanks, K Davis
Dear K Davis, I've never had the
distinction of being fired, sorry to say. My last job interview
was thirty years ago and I've been with the same outfit ever since.
In radio, anybody who's any good has been fired at least twice.
What can I say? I'm doing the best I can. So, fire me.
Garrison;
What became of the letters "to whomever is in charge down there" from Jack
at Jack's Auto Repair. I thought of them as your alter ego. My wife, Nancy,
and I have been fans of yours for 10 years.
Best regards,
Jim Robinson, Sacramento, CA
Dear Jim: Jack quit writing letters to the show
years ago because he felt that they did no good. He noticed no change.
As you recall, he was dead set against bluegrass and gospel music
and hated the News from Lake Wobegon and wanted the show to play
jazz and more jazz. Jack felt that every minute spent playing Duke
Ellington and Fats Waller and Count Basie brought you a step closer
to redemption. There was a basic philosophical difference between
the two of us ---- he want me to quit and I didn't want to ----
and, for better or worse, I prevailed.
Dear Sir:
At what age is it all right for a woman to start dating younger men? I ask
because I am 37 years old and live in Alaska, where the odds are good but
the goods are odd! I'm getting lots of attention from the 20 something male
gender and my guilt is dissipating. Is that wrong? Since you are Lutheran
if you say it's o.k...I'll feel much better! Thanks alot,
Alice in Alaska
Dear Ma'am: Past the age of twenty-five, age doesn't
matter much until you get to be seventy. That's my opinion, for
what it's worth. Middle age covers a lot of ground. So go ahead
and flirt back, and more power to you.
Mr. Keillor:
I have become concerned about the psychological well-being of your studio
audiences. It cannot be good for them to have their rhythmic deficiencies
exposed when they attempt to clap in time to the music. This activity is
clearly well beyond them and I wish you would protect them from destroying
their self-esteem by attempting it before a national audience. In the name
of our common humanity, STAMP OUT THE CLAP!
Paul J. Sampson
Dear Mr. Sampson, At PHC we don't prompt the audience
to clap, though sometimes our guests may. We'd prefer that clapping
be spontaneous. Once, however, I did encourage an audience to snap
their fingers on the backbeat of a song I wrote about my daughter
walking down the street, and they did a terrific job. This only
happened once and I haven't tried to get them to do it again.
Dear Mr. Keillor,
You've lived a while and experienced losses of different kinds over the
years, I am sure. My family just had to face the death of my brother, Michael
Kelly, a New York State trooper who died on duty on May 31, 2000. He was
the oldest of five (I am child #4), the natural leader, smart, handsome,
witty, athletic, kind to people in need. He was going to be 50 this year,
in September, and he teased the rest of "us kids" that he was the one with
the least gray hair.
Anyway, I was wondering if you have found comfort in any particular books
or poems, that you might recommend to me. I know death is a part of life,
and everyone faces it sometime, but I (and my family) are struggling. Any
thoughts you might have would be most welcome. Sincerely,
Patricia Kelly McKay
Dear Patricia, There is great comfort in
prayer, the prayers of the Psalms, the Book of Common Prayer, and
there is a fine anthology of prayers, published by Oxford Press,
which includes those from outside the Christian faith. All true
prayer is an act of bowing to the mystery and sanctity of the world
and acknowledging our essential helplessness. We live daily in the
illusive belief that we are in charge of things. Death shows we're
not. Prayer is an acknowledgment that we are not, and it can bring
you great peace in the wake of this horrible loss. Everything else
I could offer would be meager compared to the comfort of prayer.
