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FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW
Joke Submissions
Jokes
beginning with "What"
Q: What is the difference between
In-laws and Out-laws?
A: Out-laws are wanted.
Joe Anonymous, Oswego, Ny
what do you call cheese that isn't yours?
...nacho cheese
Dale Moore, Lawton, Mi
What do you call a cow that has just given birth?
De-calf-inated.
Sarah Greengross, Granada Hills, CA
Age: 9
Q.What's the difference between a conservative woman and a German Shepard?
A. There isn't any. They're both tied to the porch until their owner wants
to play with them.
WARREN PATTEN, CHICO, CA
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. What do you get
if a Viagra pill gets caught in your throat? A stiff neck.
George Harris, Odessa, NY
Q. What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine?
A. A sweater!
Grant Geist, Knoxville, TN
Age: 9
Joe: What has four legs, is green, and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree
it would kill you?
Max: What?
Joe: A pool table
Joe Guncheon, Kaneohe, HI
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
BOB
What do call a man with no arms and no legs on the front doorstep?
MATT
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?
ART
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?
PHIL
Liz Kendrick, Los Angeles, CA
What did the hat say to the hat-rack?
You stay here & I'll go on ahead.
Martin McHenry, Lincoln, Ne
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck!
Michael McLoughlin, Brownton, MN
What do you get when you cross a dyslectic, an agnostic, and an insomniac?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a DOG.
Sandi Warner, Fish Haven, ID
What do you call a turtle who can fly?
A shellicopter.
Charles Hoffman, Berea, KY
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
Hop in.
Michael Teerlink, Provo, UT
What do you do if you get swallowed by an elephant?
Run around til you get pooped out
larry wilcox, Rochester, ny
Q. What do you call it when the Vice President plays the drums?
A. Algorithm.
John Garvin, Marion, OH
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs......on a wall?
Art
...in a pile of leaves?
Russle
...in front of the door?
Matt
...in the ocean?
Bob
What do you call a woman missing a leg?
Ileen
What do you call an asian woman missing a leg?
Ireen
Daniel Moritz, Waterford, NY
Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with Milk of Magnesia?
A: A Religious movement
Eric Burdette, Durham, NH
Q: What is the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
Judith Kirihara, Merced, CA
Q:What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick
John Holder, Birmingham, Al
Q: What is the difference between cowboy boots and wingtip shoes?
A: The cowboy boots have the BS on the outside.
(The perfect setup for this is to first complement your intended victim,
or Governor, on his good looking wingtips)
Bill Winter, East Hartford, CT
What goes, "Clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop, BANG!"?
Amish drive-by shootings.
Leslie Ellis, Dresden, ME
What do you call a woman with with one leg?
Ilene.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter because he can't come.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him for a drag.
Ken Lavish, Silver Spring, MD
What did the fish say when he bumped into a cement wall?
Dam
Liz Vivian, Renton, WA
What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?
Engineers build weapons; Architects build targets.
Stephen Reimer, Philadelphia, PA
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A ONE LEGGED HITCHHIKER?? ~~"HOP IN"
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A HITCHHIKER WITH NO LEGS?? ~~"NEED A LIFT?"
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KINKY AND PERVERTED??
~~KINKY IS WHEN YOU USE A FEATHER...PERVERTED IS WHEN YOU USE A LIVE
CHICKEN!!
JESSICA BARNETT, CYNTHIANA, KY
What is the difference between a female jogger and a
sewing machine?
a sewing machine only has one bobbin.
BrendaLou Scott, Eureka, CA
What goes "oom oom"?
A cow walking backwards
Hilary Davis, Mankato, MN
Age: 11
What do you do when your nose goes on strike?
You pick-it.
dave markgraf, Mountain Lake Park, MD
WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN THE WEATHER FORCAST SAYS THERE'S A 40% CHANCE OF
RAIN? IT MEANS THAT 4 OF THE 10 GUYS AT THE WEATHER BUREAU THINK IT'S
GOING TO RAIN AND 6 OF 'EM DON'T.
HELEN MOORE, LOS ANGELES , CA
What do "Winnie the Pooh" and "Jack the Ripper" have in
common?
Their middle name
John Lechner, Stockton, CA
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat?"
Laurie Roberts, Albany, CA
What's the loudest pet?
A trum-pet!
What do you get when you have seven rabbits in a row walking backwards?
A receding hare line!
Why isn't it a good idea to go up in the attic after a big meal?
Chances are you won't fine one up there.
What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom?
Gee, you're a fungi.
Ken Lavish, Silver Spring, MD
Q: What does a sadist do to a masochist?
A: Nothing.
Brad Davis, Osterville, MA
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A national holiday in Lake Wobegon is always gaudy and joyful. But what is going on between Clint Bunsen and Miss Liberty?
Everyone is here—Pastor Ingqvist, the Sons of Knute, Sister Arvonne of Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility and her ocarina band, the Norwegian bachelor farmers, Dorothy and the Chatterbox Café, Wally in the Sidetrack Tap—as crowds converge on the little town to celebrate American independence, even as the chairman of the event broods on the great question of the day: Shall we struggle on valiantly here or shall we burst the bonds and find beautiful life in the golden west?
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Scripts and bits from A Prairie Home Companion celebrate the secret society of men and women who possess excellent spelling and punctuation skills. (You know who you are.)
Selections include "The Six-Minute Hamlet," a tribute to Emily Dickinson, a Guy Noir adventure that exposes an MFA scam, a riveting "Professional Organization of English Majors" drama, and guests Billy Collins, Robert Bly, Roy Blount Jr., and Calvin Trillin.
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