Howard was very, very depressed. He had committed a great moral wrong, and he was so consumed by his guilt that he was on the verge of suicide. Just as he put the barrel of his gun in his mouth, and inner voice spoke to him.

"Howard," said the voice, "relax, will you? Look, you're not the first doctor who slept with a patient. And you know the parient isn't pregnant, nor is she complaining. So lighten up, okay?"

Howard felt better until a second inner voice spoke to him. "Howard," said the second voice, "you're a veterinarian."

Bob Johansmeyer, Milford, CT

A mother wanted her son to express his need to use the toilet by telling him to say " I have to whisper"

One day Uncle Bob was taking care of the boy while his mother was out.

Uncle Bob decided to take a nap.

The boy came in and tried to shake Uncle Bob awake. Uncle Bob didn't want to wake up, but mumbled Hmmmmmmm

The boy said "Uncle Bob, I have to whisper" Uncle Bob mumbled Hmmmmmmmmmm

The boy said "UNCLE BOB, I HAVE TO WHISPER".

Uncle Bob said "Okay, whisper in my ear".

Joe Guncheon, Kaneohe, HI

Four men broke into the Pharmacy on Main street today and made off with an unclosed amount of the impotency drug 'Viagra'. Police refused comment on the crime other than, "We are currently looking for four hardened criminals".

Martin McHenry, Lincoln, NE

A lady in her late 40's went to the plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is planted on the back of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the doctor with 2 problems. "All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

Jody Witek, Conestoga, PA

Why do mice have small balls?

Very few of them know how to dance.

Don Nelson Nelson, Tomah, wi

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Biff Schlicting, Neskowin, OR

THREE DAUGHTERS

A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be a little over-protective of his daughters. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.

One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates.

The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A gentleman said,

Hi, I'm Joe,
I'm here for Flo,
We're goin' to the show,
Is she ready to go?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,

Hi, I'm Eddie,
I'm here for Jenny,
We're gettin' spaghetti
Is she ready?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,

Hi, I'm Chuck,

And the farmer shot him.

Dennis & Amy Neto, Sacramento, CA

A 90 year-old couple, after dating for 6 months decide that they'd like to have sex. After they go at it, each one is lying back having his and her own thoughts.
He thinks: If I'd known she was a virgin, I would have been gentler with her.
She thinks: If I knew he was still virile I would have taken off my pantyhose.

Jerry Tobias, Clifton, NJ

What do Viagra and a Dirt Devil have in common?

They both put the power of an upright into the palm of your hand.

Debra Strom, Fairbanks, AK

Ms. Sampson, a sixth-grade science teacher, asked her class, "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated ?"
Nobody raised a hand, so Ms Sampson called on the first student who looked her way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times of its usual size when stimulated ?"
Mary stood up blushing furiously.
" How dare you ask such a question ?!" she said. " I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Ms. Sampson was shocked by Mary's outburst, but undaunted.
She asked the class the question again, and this time Sam raised his hand.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye,"
"Very good, Sam, thank you," Replied Ms. Sampson.
She then turned to Mary and said,
" Mary, I have three things to tell you. First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.

Walt Stern, Cleveland, OH

A woman tells her neighbor over the backyard fence: "We're not going to have any more children because I finally got a hearing aid."

The neighbor replies "You've got six kids already. How will a hearing aid effect your having more kids?"

"Well, my husband always says, 'Do you want to roll over and go to sleep, or what?' and I always used to say 'What?"

Rob Kalnitsky, Lafayette, CO

Have you heard about the new Playboy magazine for married men; every month - same girl.

Doug Gauss, Tallahassee, FL

"Two nuns and a mother superior are in car crash and all three die and find themselves at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that in order to enter the gates they must answer one question correctly. They agree and he turns to the first nun and says " Who was the first man?" The nun replies "Adam." "That's correct." says St. Peter and allows her through the gates. He then turns to the second nun and asks " Who was the first woman?" "Eve," replies the second nun. "Correct." says St. Peter as he turns to the mother superior. "Now, sister, I must ask you a more difficult question because of your position in the church, I hope you understand." "Of course," she says. "OK, here goes. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" "Ooo, that is a hard one." says the mother superior. "Correct!" syas St. Peter.

Elizabeth Hillman, Gorham, ME

A guy goes into a bar, and brings his monkey in with him. "Hey, get outta here with that monkey!" says the bartender. "He'll be fine," the guy says, "he's trained." But the next thing they know, the monkey has jumped up on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. "Hey, that was a solid ivory cue ball!" said the bartender. "Don't worry -- in a couple of days he'll pass it, I'll wash it up, and it'll be good as new," the guy says. "You better be right," says the bartender. A couple of days later, the guy comes back into the bar with the monkey, and the guy has the cue ball in his hand. "Here you are -- the monkey passed it and I washed it up. It's as good as new, just as I told you," says the guy. "That's fine," says the bartender, "but what's your monkey doing now?" They look down the bar and the monkey is taking olives out of the drink garnish container, inserting them into his rear end one by one, and then eating them. "Oh," says the guy, "after the cue ball incident he's been sizing everything he eats."

Jim Redmond, Kirkwood, MO

Some years ago, a mountain man was captured by hostile Indians. He was brought before the Chief, who told him, "the penalty for violating our lands is death." "However," the Chief continued, "we are not without mercy; if you can pass three tests of manhood, we will make you an honorary member of our tribe and set you free." The mountain man saw that he had no choice, so he agreed to the trials.
The Chief pointed to three large tipis, and told the mountain man that each tipi contained one of his tests. "In the first tipi, a blazing fire has been built. To pass the test, you must stay in the tipi for a full day and night. If you try to leave the tipi you will be put to death, but if you can withstand the heat until this time tomorrow, you will have passed the first test." Then the Chief pointed to the second tipi and said, "In that tipi is the largest, meanest grizzly bear in this area. He has an infected tooth, which means that he is in constant pain. You will be sent into the tipi naked, and with nothing but your bare hands, you must remove the bad tooth. If you succeed -- and survive -- you will have passed the second test." Finally, the Chief pointed to the third tipi. "In that tipi," he said, "is the final and most difficult test. In that tipi lives our most lusty squaw, 'She Who Is Insatiable.' You must make love to her, and you will not be allowed to leave the tipi until she is satisfied. If you try to leave before she is completely satisfied, you will be put to death."
"Do you understand all that is required of you?" the Chief asked the mountain man. The mountain man replied that he did, and so he was led into the first tipi.
The next day, at the appointed time, the mountain man staggered out of the tipi. He was drenched in sweat, but very much alive. There was much rejoicing in the tribe, and the mountain man was congratulated for his hardihood. He was given a few moments to recover, then stripped naked and sent into the second tipi. Soon thereafter, fierce roars and growls could be heard coming from the tipi. Hours passed. Finally, the growls began to grow quieter, and then ceased altogether. Soon thereafter, the mountain man staggered out of the tipi. The bear's claws had left deep gashes over the man's entire body, and he was bloody from head to toe, but he was alive. The members of the tribe were awestruck, and they could only stare at him silently as he emerged from the tipi.
"Boy," the mountain man said, "you sure weren't kidding about how hard that would be. Just give me a few minutes to rest up, then you can lead me to the tipi with the bear in it."

Michael Dexter, Pullman, WA

A cowboy meets an Indian (Native American) herding sheep in the Black Hills.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: " Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey, horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: " How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie!"

George Foreman, Rancho Cucamonga, CA

Once there was a woman who had several guests in her house. She was quite busy serving the food and making sure that everyone was comfortable. Partway through the gathering, she found out that the toilet paper in the bathroom had been used up, and that she had no more left in the house. She was wondering what to do when she suddenly thought of her sewing room. Rushing in, she gathered up bits and pieces of pattern paper, and put them in the bathroom. Not too long afterward, a guest needed to use the bathroom. After he came out, he drew his hostess aside. "My gosh," he whispered in awe, "I've heard of fancy toilet paper, but I had never seen this kind that says 'front' and 'back'!"

Rebecca Lenahan, Joseph, OR

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes,he starts dialing numbers like a telephone, but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into the palm of his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it!" so the guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation.

"That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down, and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy casually turns around, and says: "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Tamara Norden, Shorewood, WI

What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
She goes home.

Tamara Norden, Shorewood, WI

Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"'Tis a good thing, too-that was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.

Brian Maguire, NY, NY

A travelling salesman is going door to door selling "bee-salve" to farmers who have honey bees. He knocks on a farmer's door and says I'm selling bee salve. Farmer says what's bee salve? Guy says, It's salve you put on your body, and the bees stay away, then you don't have to wear the mask and the suit! Farmer says How do I know it works? Guy says here's what we'll do: We'll go out into your pasture, I strip all the way down, smear the salve on my whole body, you then tie me to a tree, dump a whole hive of bee on me, and come back in one hour. I won't have a single sting on my whole body! The farmer say's I'll take you up on that! So out they go and the salesman strips down, and puts salve on his whole body, and the farmer lashes him tightly to the tree, dumps the hive of bees on him and walks away. The farmer goes back into his shed and gets to tinkering with things and ends up foprgetting about the salesman out in the pasture. By the time he finally checks his watch, its like three hours later. Farmer looks out the window and there's the guy still tied to the tree passed out and slumped over. He rushes out to the guy and he's slapping his cheecks trying to bring him around. "Mr. Mr. are you okay?!!" The salesman comes around, takes one look at the farmer and yells "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

Steve Helgeson, Franklin, IN

A man walks into a bar and orders a double. As the bartender gives it to him, he notices the man is depressed.
"What's the matter, pal?"
"I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The man returns for another double the next night.
"I just found out my youngest son is gay."
The next night, ANOTHER double
"I just found out I'm gay."
This has the bartender a bit puzzled.
"Tell me, buddy, does anyone in your family like women?" The man thinks a minute.

"Sure. My wife."

Matthew Patton, Deltona, FL

It was a busy day in Heaven, so St. Peter was interviewing the recently deceased and admitting only those who'd had a truly traumatic death. The first guy in line is asked, "So, how did you die?" And he says, "Well, for months now I've been suspecting that my wife has been having an affair; today I came home from work early to try to catch her. I didnt' find anyone with her, but she was acting awfully suspicious, so I went into the bedroom for a closer look; I was just about to leave, when i noticed out on the deck there were two man's hands visible--I ran over, saw her lover hanging from our deck, and stamped on his feet until he dropped; he miraculously landed in some bushes, and I was so angry I went inside, grabbed our refrigerator, and hurled it over the balcony onto the guy. Well, doing that gave me a heart attack, and here I am." "Whew, yeah, that's pretty rough; okay, you're in," ST. Peter told him. "Next! How did you die, sir?" the next fellow in line says, "Listen, you're not going to believe it, but I was working out on my deck, it was such a beautiful day, and while doing back-bends I went over too far and fell over the railing! Luckily I caught myself on the deck below mine, and was hanging there trying to figure out how to save myself when this crazy guy came and started stomping on my fingers, screaming at me! Well, I had to let go, but luckily I landed on some bushes. I though I'd be okay then, but the guy had grabbed his refrigerator and threw it down on me...and now here I am!" "You poor fellow--how bizarre! You're in. Next!" St. Peter turned to the next man in line. "How about you, sir?" The guy says to him, "All right, now, picture this: I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator..." !!!!!

Lisa Engstrom, Menlo Park, CA

After an evening at the pub, Angus was staggering home feeling the effects of his whiskey. He needed to relieve himself so he lurched over to the ditch by the side of the road to conduct his business. While standing there he passed out and fell along the shoulder of the road where he slept off his evening with Bacchus.
Very early the next morning, two touring female American college students were walking past and checked to make sure Angus was alive. Finding he was breathing alright one girl turned to the next and decided to answer the age old question of "What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?"
Seeing the answer displayed before, one of the young ladies pulled a light blue ribbon from her hair and tied it to Angus to commemorate the event. They then went on their merry way.
A short time later Angus awoke and staggered to his feet and prepared to conduct the normal morning business. As he reached under his kilt he felt the ribbon. Startled, he looked down at himself and a grin slowly spread across his face. He then said:

"Ah Laddie! I don't know where ya been but you must have won First Prize!"

John Buchanan, Prince George, VA

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied. "The what, you say?", exclaimed the tourist. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped, but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "...you see the bull, he does not always lose!"

Dennis Neto, Sacramento, CA

Two cowboys are sleeping out on the range, when one of them wakes the other with a scream. "What is it, Tex?"
"I just got bit on my privates by a rattlesnake, Jeb." Jeb replies, "I'll go for help, Tex." and, jumping on his horse, blazes into town. Waking up the doctor, Jeb asks him how to treat rattlesnake bites. The doctor says, "You have to suck out the poison, or your friend will die." Upon returning back to camp, Tex asks, "What did the doc say?" Jeb replies, "Doc says you gonna die."

Joe Boldrey, Austin, TX

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
”Doctor, the hormones you‘ve been giving me have really helped, but I‘m afraid that you‘re giving me too much. I‘ve started growing hair in places that I‘ve never grown hair before.”
The doctor reassured her. “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”

”On my testicles.”

Dwayne Bye, Houston, TX

One day, the sheriff saw Billy Bob walking around town with nothing but his boots on. The sheriff says, "Billy Bob, what in blue blazes are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy Bob replies, "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary Lou was a-cuddlin' down at the farm, when Mary Lou says we should go in the barn. So we did. Inside the barn, we started kissin' and cuddlin' some more, and things started gettin' pretty hot. Then Mary Lou, she takes off all her clothes and tells me to do the same. So I took off everything but my boots. Then Mary Lou lays herself down on the hay and says, 'Okay, Billy Bob, let's go to town!'
I guess I'm the first one here."

Irvin Smith, Springfield, IL

What does Viagra and Disney World have in common? Answer: Both you have to wait at least 30 minutes for a two minute ride.

George Harris, Odessa , NY

A man and his wife are getting ready to go out for the evening. she showers first. as he gets in there is a knock at the door. she wraps up in her robe and goes to the door. it's the next door neighbor. he is obviously shaken by seeing her in her robe and says "you know, I'd give you $100 to see you naked from the waist up." she's offended but then thinks, "hey, $100, why not?" so she lovers the robe around her waist. he says "wow. for another hundred could I see you completely naked?" she pauses but finally thinks, "hey, $100, why not?" and drops the robe all the way. later, with the money in her robe pocket she goes back upstairs to dress. her husband is out of the shower. "so," he asks, "who was at the door?" "Oh," she replies, "just the next door neighbor." "Great," her husband says, "did he give you the $200 he owes me?"

timothy travis, Portland, or

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme...

Bill Andrews, Weston, FL

Did you hear about the Mother that found some S/M magazines in her daughters bedroom? When her husband got home she asked "What are we going to do?" He said, "I dunno, but I don't think spanking will help!"

Brent Ash, Vienna, WV

Why does Dolly Parton have such little feet?

Things don't grow well in the shade.

Marvin Demanzuk, Rogers , AR

An elderly man walks into a drug store and asks for 6 viagra tablets
the druggist asks for a perscription
the old man says "can i get it over the counter?"
the druggist says "i guess you can if you take all 6 at once"

charles dunlop, monroe twp, nj

Q: Do you know what the doe said when she stumbled out of the woods one morning?

A: "I'll never do that again for two bucks!!!"

Nanette Klimkow, Portland, OR

What do you get if you practice tantric sex
while in orbit?

Zero-G-spot..

Gyuszi Suto, Hillsboro, OR